8 hours ago
"Men tend not to believe in Global Warming for the simple fact that we find it hard to face the reality that we might not be able to 'write our names in the snow' if the Earth warms too much..."
My carpenter is so fastidious, he manicures his nails.Peter Serafinowicz
I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home...David Schneider
I'm not a real mathematician; I'm just pi-curiousMichael McKean
Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turnDavid Schneider
New FIFA rulling means in International matches, all players must have a translator playing alongside them.Armando Iannucci
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."shitmydadsays