This week's Twitter gags

My carpenter is so fastidious, he manicures his nails.

Peter Serafinowicz

I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home...

 David Schneider

I'm not a real mathematician; I'm just pi-curious

Michael McKean

Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turn

David Schneider

New FIFA rulling means in International matches, all players must have a translator playing alongside them.

Armando Iannucci

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

shitmydadsays

This week's Twitter gags

The Week's Best Twitter Gags

A "Palindrome" is a stadium that looks the same both ways... completely empty.

Peter Serafinowicz


Listening to my favorite Neil Young album, "You Make Me Neil So Young".

Michael McKean


I never liked Macaulay Culkin's early films, but that doesn't make me a homealonaphobe.

Peter Serafinowicz


I have never opened a Can of Whupass. I have however enjoyed a fine bottle of '82 Fell Down the Stairs.

Michael McKean


Am in LA. Passed a sign saying "Museum of Tolerance Next Exit."

Armando Iannucci


@AIannucci Go in. Test the receptionist. Try and make them take Euros. Test them. It's the Museum of Fucking Tolerance. Test them.

David Schneider

The Week's Best Twitter Gags