This week's Twitter gags

My carpenter is so fastidious, he manicures his nails.

Peter Serafinowicz

I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home...

 David Schneider

I'm not a real mathematician; I'm just pi-curious

Michael McKean

Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turn

David Schneider

New FIFA rulling means in International matches, all players must have a translator playing alongside them.

Armando Iannucci

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

shitmydadsays

This week's Twitter gags