This week's Twitter gags

My carpenter is so fastidious, he manicures his nails.

Peter Serafinowicz

I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home...

 David Schneider

I'm not a real mathematician; I'm just pi-curious

Michael McKean

Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turn

David Schneider

New FIFA rulling means in International matches, all players must have a translator playing alongside them.

Armando Iannucci

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

shitmydadsays

This week's Twitter gags

The Week's Best Twitter Gags

A "Palindrome" is a stadium that looks the same both ways... completely empty.

Peter Serafinowicz


Listening to my favorite Neil Young album, "You Make Me Neil So Young".

Michael McKean


I never liked Macaulay Culkin's early films, but that doesn't make me a homealonaphobe.

Peter Serafinowicz


I have never opened a Can of Whupass. I have however enjoyed a fine bottle of '82 Fell Down the Stairs.

Michael McKean


Am in LA. Passed a sign saying "Museum of Tolerance Next Exit."

Armando Iannucci


@AIannucci Go in. Test the receptionist. Try and make them take Euros. Test them. It's the Museum of Fucking Tolerance. Test them.

David Schneider

The Week's Best Twitter Gags

Recent great Twitter Gags

It's a tribute to just how shallow I am that I get a real thrill when an application tells me my password is strong.

David Schneider

Oprah may end her TV show after 25 yrs. Accountant sez he must still crunch some numbers but thinks she can safely retire by 1983

Conan O'Brien.

"Sometimes a fart is so substantial, it is itself capable of farting." Stephen Hawking

 What's my favourite element of the periodic table? The font.

Peter Serafinowicz

Recent great Twitter Gags