Dr Samuel Johnson's review of 2009

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Either way, here's his review of 2009, lifted lock, stock and barrel from today's Guardian newspaper.

Dr Samuel Johnson Photograph: Corbis

Pop culture 2009: The year in lists

The Guide's review of the past 12 months starts here, as legendary man of letters Dr Samuel Johnson sharpens his virtual quill pen to look back

@drsamueljohnson The Guardian Saturday 19 December 2009

✒ The Americkan Populace now coronate Mister OBAMA, for he has solemnly promis'd not to be Mister BUSH

✒ Tis the Fashion for the Dandy to stride around dress'd as a Hudson Bay Lumber-Jack, wielding a Man-Bag in place of an AXE

✒ Bedlamite Harlequin Lady GAGA is oft dress'd as Mister Thos. TELFORD'S Iron-Bridge

✒ Celebrated Trollop Miss JORDAN and unremarkable Hellenic Troubadour Mister ANDRE separate in Publick, just as they met, lived and FORNICAT'D

✒ The League of Champions is 'pon us: has Almighty GOD carv'd Mister Wayne ROONEY's Face from a POTATO?

✒ After the Appt. of Sir Alan SUGAR as Govt. Emissary, I beseech that militaristick Actor Ross KEMP should be Secretary for WAR

✒ Glastonbury (n.) Farmer's Field wherein OAFS enact the Battle of Marston Moor accompany'd by Musick & OPIATES

✒Mister Andy MURRAY scampers round a cover'd Green-House for five Hours and is declar'd a national HERO

✒ Whiggish-mind'd People do flock unto the electronick-Theatre to see Mister BARON COHEN play affeckted Hapsburg Molly BRÜNO

✒ Great Alarmum greets the Govt's Swinish-Flu Hotline, whereby Hystericks can procure Patent-Medicine thro' BESEECHING & LYING

✒ Footpad & Highwayman Mister Ronnie BIGGS escapes the Gibbet & is Free to ROB other disabl'd Octagenerians

✒ Froz'n Costermongers ICELAND dismiss Portly Slattern Miss Kerry KATONA; she will find Employ in Mister HOGARTH'S Gin Lane

✒ Pugilistick Cave-man Mister Noel GALLAGHER abandons the OASIS minstrel-Troupe after sixteen Years & one SONG

✒ Great Hordes of Saxon Gold found in Stafford-Shire; as if pagan Warriors once dress'd as Fool-Pitier Mister BARACUS

✒ Pie-fac'd Rag Doll Mister Dominic MOHAN supports the Tories, as direct'd by Boy King MURDOCH & th'opinion Polls

✒ X Factor: another Saturday ruin'd by Tear-stain'd Orphan-Protector Mister Louis WALSH & his Retinue of singing URCHINS

✒ Hateful Crone Miss Jan MOIR uses her Quill not to write but to pin all Manner of CALUMNY 'pon the Body of poor Master GATELY

✒ At Autumntide, the mawkish Revel of Children-In-Need does tend to Infants in Want of Care & Adults in Want of ATTENTION

✒ England to play the Americkan Colonie in the World-Cup: I shall take Mister Benj FRANKLIN with Mister STANLEY'S Knife: "Who Art Thou?, Who Art Thou?"

✒ Copenhagen (n.) Parlour-Game wherein Ambassadors do ask their Neighbour to place less Coal 'pon the Fire, oft in VAIN

Dr Samuel Johnson's review of 2009