OK, you puns of bitches!

Here are some of the best punning submissions by members of my webforum - and as you can see they're a creative bunch.

So using Dorothy Parker's famous gag "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think" as a directing example, here's what they came up with - some are deliberate groaners, others are gems:

Schnapps and hock are my favorite Teutonics.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When you swim in the sea
And an eel bites your knee,
That's a moray....

I went dancing at the seafood restaurant last night. It was fun but I pulled a mussel.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I never miss an importunity to be bad... [double point score for punning through a malapropism!!]

Might it be said of The Witches of Eastwick that they had hex appeal?

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. But, when you're hit by a jug, in a South Auckland pub, THAT'S a Māori.

I never metaphor I didn't like...

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

A very odd crime happened last night at the local police station. Someone broke in, and stole the toilet. The newspaper said the police have nothing to go on.

SMS messages - for those with an active text life...

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. Alas, she failed to see the humour when I handed her my Xbox... 

OK, you puns of bitches!